


They've All Changed

by acquiescence_ (malawi)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Action/Adventure, Angst, Friendship, Post-Hogwarts, Suicide, The Quidditch Pitch: Leaving Feast, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-06-07
Updated: 2006-06-07
Packaged: 2018-10-26 10:16:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10784823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malawi/pseuds/acquiescence_
Summary: Ron is rescued after being tortured during the war, he has a hard time returning to his previous life.





	They've All Changed

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Annie, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Quidditch Pitch](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Quidditch_Pitch), which went offline in 2015 when the hosting expired, at a time I was not able to renew it. I contacted Open Doors, hoping to preserve the archive using an old backup, and began importing these works as an Open Doors-approved project in April 2017. Open Doors e-mailed all authors about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Quidditch Pitch collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thequidditchpitch/profile).

  
Author's notes: This was written for session 1 at wizard trauma.   


* * *

They've all changed since it happened - or maybe it's just him who's changed. It must be him that's changed; he can see it in everyone's eyes. They way they talk in hushed tones when they were around him and the way they avoid his eyes.

He doesn't understand why can't they just talk to him like they used to? He knows they're all worried about him, but he's not sure why. Harry can't even talk to him about quidditch, life with Ginny, or anything that they used to. It's like he thinks it'll kill him to hear about all those things they used to love.

It's not as if he came back missing a limb. He was just gone for a while, in hell for a while, but he was still Ron. It's like they all would rather just pretend it didn't happen. It's that thing that everyone knows about but no one ever talks about. He is that thing everyone ignores. Like if they don't talk to him about it it's like it never happened.

How can they think that, that not talking about it will make it like it never happened? Do they think that's what he needs? Maybe they're right, maybe if he just pretends it didn't happen the pain will go away. Maybe if he can let go of the memories they will stop hurting. Maybe if he ignores it he'll stop waking up at night panting and soaked with sweat. Maybe he'll stop waiting to be taken away for yet another round of the crutaciaus curse.

The way Hermione looks at him now is almost worse than sitting in that cell waiting for them to come back for another round of the cruciatus curse. He knew the pain from the curse would only be temporary - with Hermione it was different. The pain never ended when she stopped looking.

Weren't they all supposed to be happy that he was free? It wasn't supposed to bloody be like this. It was like they preferred him in that cell, at least that way they wouldn't have to face the reality of the situation. He was back, others had died, and he survived.

He reminded them of Remus, of Arthur, of Percy, of Luna, of Neville, of all those people who died. Why did he manage to survive? He could see the hurt in his mother's eyes each time she looked at him. He cursed himself each time he heard her crying in the kitchen the picture of Arthur clutched to her chest. Why did he survive when his father couldn't?

It was like they were all afraid of him now, afraid of what he might say, what he might do. They looked at him like he might break down at any moment. They all did it - his friends, his family, his wife. They talked in hushed tones when they were around him, like the noise would be too much for him. They never looked at his scars, like it would make them deeper. They never touched him, like it would be the end of him.

He would lie awake at night listening to the sounds of Hermione breathing. After the first time she had pulled away from him when he wanted to make love he wished he had died in that damn cell - it would have been better that way. Hermione could go on mourning him and he wouldn't have to watch her do it.

He wondered why he bothered anymore. She never looked at him anymore - at least not like she used to. She never touched him anymore and she would pull away when he tried to touch her. He didn't know how much longer he could go on sleeping next to his wife, living in the same house with her but never being seen by her.

This was worse torture than anything they had done to him in that cell. He felt himself slipping closer and close to death with each day he was free. Weren't things supposed to be better outside of the cell? That's what he had told himself while they were torturing him.

Just hold on one more day, mate. You'll be free soon. Don't you want to hold your wife again? Don't you want to see your friend's again? Just hold on a little longer, you'll be free soon. They'll come for you. Just hold on.

So he did, he held on with everything he had in him. He told himself everything would be just like it used to be when he got out. He would hold his wife; he would kiss her and tell her how much he loved her. He would tell her how it was her memory that kept him going those nights when he thought he might give up. He lived just to see her again.

It would have been better if he had just died in that cell, if he had just given up hope and let himself waste away like so many others had done. They wouldn't have called him a coward; they would have called him a hero. They wouldn't treat his memory like something fragile, like they were doing to him now. He would always have the memories of Hermione like she used to be. She never looked away from him before, she touched him all the time, and she slept in his arms every night.

Ron held the cup and let these thoughts run through his mind.

It would have been better had I just let myself die. I can't take this torture anymore - I should have let them kill me.

He would fix his mistake tonight, though. He would end their pain and his own. It would be better for them all if he was dead and since he had bollixed it all up before he would make it right now.

He glanced on last time at the photo of Hermione on his bedside table. She smiled and waved at him from the frame - he wanted her to be like that again. He looked over at her sleeping form beside him, she was thin and pale. She'd changed so much in those weeks he was gone and even more since he'd been back. He didn't want this for her. With a small smile to the picture he brought the cup to his lips and drank down the drought.

He lay down beside Hermione, who was sleeping soundly and let the waves of sleep and darkness wash over him. Her pain would be over and so would his.


End file.
